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On Being a Gleek and Regaining Self Confidence

November 20, 2009 1 comment

Glee’s Ballad was once again a trip down memory lane.

Like Rachel I had a crush on my high school teacher.  If she had a Mr. Schue, I had a Mr. Q.  For a moment, I wondered how he may be doing these days.  Is he in Facebook?  Will he remember me if I said hello? Will he add me as a friend?  Okay, I didn’t go that far.  But fondly remembering my high school teacher isn’t the reason why Glee’s last episode struck a chord yet again.

Like Rachel I had confidence issues growing up.  I always felt I didn’t fit in, that I didn’t belong.  Despite graduating at the top of my class, I always felt I didn’t have what it takes for people to like me, for people to look up to me.  This extreme insecurity kind of forced me in a way to work insanely hard to excel in school with the hope that people will like me.  Alas, that didn’t help at all.  But what did help was accepting myself for who I was and not trying desperately to be who I was not.

I have come a long way since those dark, confusing high school years but every so often I get lapses in self confidence.  More so now after starting over with a new career in design after leaving a career wearing bunny suits.  It has just been over a month and I am beginning to realize that starting over is way more difficult than I thought.  I am seriously enjoying what I am doing but there are times when I get too frustrated and realize that I have so much to learn and I don’t have a lot of time and I don’t have a lot of resources.  Running a small business is hard.  I easily lose focus and quickly doubt and second guess myself.

But I know I shouldn’t.  It’s okay to make mistakes, that’s how people learn.  And things take time to grow, nothing great happens overnight.  I know I have to keep reciting these things in my head all the time.  Dennis thinks I should relax more and enjoy the journey.  Relaxing is key, he says.  Everything will eventually fall into its proper place as long as I work hard, have a little patience and a little confidence, too.  I think he’s right.  I have to gain my self confidence back.

On Being a Gleek and Coming Out

September 28, 2009 1 comment

Watching the hilarious new comedy Glee brings back a lot of memories about high school.

Sadly, however, it brings back horrible memories of very tumultuous times.

I seriously hated high school.  I was, obviously, one of those Kurt Hummel types but not quite exactly.  Unlike Kurt Hummel, I was not a trendy fashionista back in high school.  I think the trendiest piece of fashion I owned was a pair of Tretorn shoes.

And unlike Kurt Hummel, I was not part of Glee Club.  I remember wanting so badly to be part of Glee because almost everyone who was friendly to me was part of it.  But, alas I could not sing.   I remember auditioning with Cindy Lauper’s Time After Time in a capella, cutting short the chorus and storming out of the room in tears because I sucked big time.

The past is past and I have moved on but every now and then I look back and regret that I hated life in high school so much, primarily because I was not out.  I was too afraid to come out.  I was too afraid to be true to myself.  In last week’s episode of Glee, unitard-clad Kurt Hummel was brave and honest enough to come out to his dad who turned out to be totally accepting and supportive.  It was a sweet coming out scene that, I guess, I would never have with my own dad.  I’m sure my dad knew and I’m sure he would have been totally accepting and supportive, too.  Probably, a dramatic coming out scene would not have been necessary.  So I guess I shouldn’t really dwell in the past anymore.  Life is too short for regrets.

In hindsight, I may just be bitter about high school because I never got laid back then.

Glee airs Wednesday nights on Fox.

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